The Shipper of Secrets
by carmenrosee
Summary: crack!fic; slightly AU. House gives a lecture on the House fandom.


Crack!fic/ AUish thought I had. How retarded am I.  
What you see is a result of just complete boredom. **Warning:** Foul language.  
Please, do not take jokes in here as offensive. I love them all.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own House MD, any of the characters, or anything that is mentioned in this story. The only thing that I created are Cuddy's rainbow panties.

Once again, House was forced by Cuddy to do a lecture. The topic of the day? The fans and haters of the show.

Lecturing 1st year med students was just living hell.  
"Hey," Cuddy argued. "At least you'll be talking about yourself."  
True. He wouldn't be that bored talking about how he was part of most of the pair shippings.  
"I'm only doing this lecture if you give me your rainbow panties."  
"I'm not wearing them today," Cuddy said annoyingly.  
"Well, get them tomorrow, and I'll even add an extra hour of clinic duty.  
"Never gonna happen."

And with that, Cuddy motioned for House to leave. His lecture was in a half hour.

"So," House told them students. "That is how they come up with these ship names. They just randomly combine the names together. Like Brangelina, and Speidi. Pretty genius, huh."  
"What's your favorite, Doctor House?" A blonde, petite doctor in the front row asked, twirling her hair.  
"Honestly? I think the shipname Camteem sounds the best."  
Cameron and Thirteen, all the way on the back, snorted indignantly at his stupid comment as the men in the lecture nodded their heads in full House agreement.  
"Yeah!" someone's scream echoed the huge room.  
"When the hell are the writers gonna realize that Thirteen has a bisexual crush on Cameron?"  
"They're hot!" Someone yelled.

Foreman and Chase fought hard to stay in their seats.  
House saw their faces. They were red and frozen.

"Calm down, you adolescent, naïve minded first year med students," House shouted just loud enough for the room to silent up. "Their boyfriends look constipated at such a ridiculous thought," he added, and pointed his cane up top, all the way at the back of the room, where the entire cast sat.

All the students looked up at them. The women acted nonchalantly, looking at each other and the men minus Foreman and Chase looked just as bored.

"Hee.. they do look like they just gave out their dump," someone said sneakily.  
"How can you notice 'constipation' on Foreman? He's black!" someone whispered loudly.

House noticed someone that was supposed to be dead in between Cuddy and Thirteen.  
"What the fuckity fuck are you doing here? You're dead!" House told Amber.  
Amber shrugged.

House didn't care anymore. He wanted to continue on with the lecture.

"Anyways," House continued, turning the overhead on. "The internet is a very, very bad place. Your self-esteem will just drop when you search yourself on google."  
An image of the entire cast appeared on the huge board. The season 1 promo picture.  
"Have you ever searched yourself?" A blonde, petite girl in the front row asked.  
House rolled his eyes. "Duh," he said obviously. "But _everyone_ loves me. I'm just too hot to not be loved. That'll just.. go against human and mother nature. No one hates me," he said. "Besides, almost every fan on the show who has a favorite female character always writes their smut!fics with me."

The blonde shuddered.  
"Admit it, you'd want to do it with me, too. This cane can do many, many things you've never dreamed it can do."  
The blonde looked down on the ground and blushed.

"As I was saying, Google. People who ship 'Huddy' – take note, that's myself and Cuddy – and 'Hameron' – that's Cameron and I – seem to just hate each other a lot. And whenever I have time to, I tell Kutner to stop answering my mail and go to the FOX boards instead to promote peace. Take another note, though, that in fanfiction, some of them don't follow canon."

Everyone nodded.  
The blonde girl that had asked a question earlier and the redhead next to her took notes vigorously.

Said redhead raised her hand a bit to gesture that she had a question.  
"Yes," House said.  
"Why do you think that Chase and Cameron are never shown anymore? It's been like this for two seasons. Is it because the writers just don't like them anymore, or.."

House paused to think for a moment. "Good question, Marcia Cross," House told her, taking a sip of his pink Vitamin water as Marcia Cross look-alike stared angrily. "I wouldn't know. That's a question you have to ask Katie Jacobs and David Shore."  
"But what's _your_ theory?" She persisted the question.  
"I honestly think that it's because they want the ratings to go higher."  
Marcia Cross look-alike looked at her notes and then looked back up at him.  
"But that doesn't make sense, numerous fans have stopped watching because they are basically non-existent in the show, and according to the ratings counted since Season 4, it's been dropping consistently."  
"Read again. They're actually increasing now."  
She flipped through the papers in front of her, trying to see any bargraphs of the shows ratings through all 5 seasons increasing.  
"No.. they aren't."  
House pondered, trying to look for an answer."Uh.. whatever. I'm not here to discuss ratings, I'm here to discuss my fans and its dismal world," he waved his hand to show that he was no longer intrigued by Marcia Cross look-alike. "No one educated me about ratings stuff."

Just then, someone's hand shot into the air.  
The girl had bushy brown hair. She looked familiar.

House pointed at her to signal that she could ask, while he scrunched his eyebrows, trying to remember where he's seen the woman at.  
"Do the slash and femslash fics follow canon all the time?" The girl asked, with an accent.

A british accent.  
House squinted his eyes at the figure that she was – squinting at what he can see from her sitting figure, anyways. She wore a gangly, old fashioned-sweater. He looked into her closely more and saw that she wore short-shorts and leather boots. Her pen was ridiculous. It was a feather.

His eyes grew wide. _What the fuck?  
_"_Hermione _Granger? What are you doing here?"

No one else seemed that intrigued, except for the cast all the way at the back, who looked at Hermione's direction.  
"I'm here to take notes and learn more about the fandom, Dr. House. My daughter Rose has been quite into the show lately, and I have to admit that it's bloody fantastic."  
House shook his head. "You don't have Rose until you're 26."  
"It's 2009. Meaning, I had Rose already."  
"Yeah, but you sure look no younger than 16, you look like a prost-"

"_House_," David Shore shrilly said from the back of the room. "On with the topic. You're wasting my time. I need to think of more interesting storylines for Thirteen."  
House threw his head in disbelief. "Fine, but one question, Hermione. Why are you here, when you could be on google? Why waste all the floo powder?"

"Because, she, Ron, Ginny and I are hooked on it, and we want your autographs. Can we move on?" said a voice to the left of the room. House followed the voice and found, Harry Potter, next to him Ron Weasley, with the same feathered pens Hermione had.

House took his vicodin bottle out of his pocket and stuffed a handful down his mouth. "Yeah? Where's Ginny, then?"  
"Here," Ginny said, the voice close to him. She was the Marcia Cross look alike.  
"Why the hell do you look like Marcia Cross? Why do you look older than the rest of them?" House pointed at Harry and Ron, then at Hermione in the middle of the room. She also had a convincing American accent. Damn the woman.

"I'm really interested in the House/Wilson relationship. It's just so.. hot, isn't it?" Ginny said in her British accent now, twirling her hair and deep in thought, completely ignoring his question.

Wilson, in the back, clapped his hands giddily. He elbowed Cameron, next to him, to clap along too, clapping in front of her face.

Cameron just stared at him, but then smiled for his sake.

"Well, I'm really into House/Cuddy, so back of, you weird Hilson fan!" Ron shouted from the top of the room. "Why the slash? That's sick, Gin - I'm telling on mum!"  
"Your mum supports House/Cameron like me, honey! Don't go telling on your mum, she'll go ballistic again and dinner will be–"  
"Hey," Harry said, interrupting Hermione. "I support Chase/Cameron, no one should be fighting. We should all just be friends. It's a Tuesday," he said, and looked up the top middle of the room at Chase and Cameron and smiled at them, hoping they get the genius pun he just made.

Ron shook his head disapprovingly. "Ginny," he said in a warning tone, "No slash shipping, or I'm telling mum. Convert. Now. To anything but slash."  
"Why? Lily supports Chase/House, and you don't get pissed off at her."  
"Why should I? She isn't my daughter! That's up to you to fix that. Hugo supports Foreman/Thirteen, and even though Thirteen is bi I'm okay with it because she's hot and because it's not SLASH! You're ruining our family name, Gin!"  
Ginny scoffed. "Please. The Malfoys are already ruined. Haven't you heard? They all ship femslash. All three of them – and Draco's parents," Ginny said. "Their shippings are all different ones. Narcissa supports Amber/Thirteen," Ginny added.

"I knew I had a point here." Amber told Thirteen briskly.

"Astoria ships Cuddy/Thirteen. That ones freaky," Ginny continued.  
"_Hey_," a voice next to her said. The blonde, the reserved one that blushed earlier. That was Astoria.

David Shore threw his hands up in the air in annoyance and slouched back on his chair. Katie Jacobs right next to him gave him a bored faced. "Let's get out of here, I have an idea to give Thirteen more screentime," she told him quietly, trying to not let Taub, the only cast member closest to them, see them leave.

But no one even noticed them. Every student was arguing in the auditorium. People arguing against what ship is better, and whatnot.

As it turns out, everyone had used the floo system. A few apparated. They were all wizards and witches.

The cast in the back, however, remained in their seats, just watching the crowd starting to shoot spells at each other.

"Ugh," Cuddy said, folding her arms. "That explains things. They all have those stupid feathered pens."  
"No one better _use Avada Kedavra_ in my direction," Foreman said, and covered his arms over Thirteen, making her duck down her seat just in case she would get hit.  
"That's illegal, Foreman." Cameron told him, two seats away. "I'm more scared if someone uses _Sectusempra_ on me."

"Only I know that spell, Cameron!" Snape shouted, as he was battling Dumbledore. "I support Wilson/Cameron! You will never get hurt– Did you just use an Unforgivable curse on me, Dumbly? How DARE you? And you support Wilson/Cuddy! What else can go wrong with you, old man, besides that ugly goatee you don? – _Imperio! Imperio_!"

"This is madness. Tell House to use his sex appeal to stop this absurd fighting going on!" Thirteen muffled from her seat, still wrapped around Foreman's arms for protection.  
Chase was about to go run at House, to tell him Thirteen's idea, but Parvati and Padma Patil were with him, showing him PlayWitch's own kind of 'Pygmy Puffs', completely oblivious to the commotion that went on.

"Chase, use your sexiness to stop them!" Taub yelled as a _Wingardium Leviosa_ spell hit him, resulting in him hanging horizontally in the air. Taub frantically searched around for a wizard or witch to help him get around. "Hey- hey – Fred! Fred!" He shouted at a red-headed man that was dueling Slughorn. The red-head turned around.

"I'm George! And I don't like you!" George said annoyingly, turning back to his opponent Neville, sending him a spell. But then he catches sight of Cuddy, and apparates right in front of her. Neville shrugs and randomly attacks Hannah right next to him.

"But I like you," George said, looking struck and dreamy-eyed.  
"You're supposed to be dead." Cuddy told him.  
"So is she," he pointed at Amber. "Why is she here? And your top is.." he gestured at her showing cleavage.  
Cuddy sighed. "I know. Our writers are just so ridiculous, aren't they?"  
"Agreed," George nodded. "Whoever does your wardrobe, however, is just awesome."

Thirteen was sick of it. She almost got hit by a spell two times too many.  
"That's it. I'm taking my top off," she told Foreman.  
Everyone looked at her, eyes as wide as saucers.  
"What?!" Foreman scolded her, loosing his arms around her. "Baby, I'm not letting you do that, honey."  
"Why?" Thirteen sobbed. "If someone does shoot that _Avada Kedavra_ spell at me, I don't care anymore! If Katie Jacobs thinks that giving me Huntington's will make me more interesting, how come people still don't like me?" She weeped softly in Foreman's arms.  
Wilson rolled his eyes. "Thirteen, they wouldn't try to kill you. Chances are the men would strike the _Engorgio _spell on your breasts."

"Your funbags will be huge," Kutner said, mesmerized. "Hey, Cameron, you know, if you do that strip-tease thing with Thirteen, it'll work twice as much."  
Chase glared at Kutner and sat back down next to Cameron, pulling her close to him and stroked her blonde hair to calm her down. She was in a nervous state.

"Seriously," Taub said, still flying in the air. "Chase, can't you just use your amazing schmexiness to stop this raucous? I guarantee that if any of you get up front and settle them some sort of deal with this whole shipping war stuff, they'll shut up."

"Is he always this annoying?" George asked nobody in particular, and pointed his wand at Taub, without muttering a word. Taub fell in front of Chase and Cameron. They helped him up.

"No, no one just cares about him," Amber said. "He was always the outcast."  
"So how will we stop this, George?"

"I dunno," George said, putting a shield spell around the cast and himself. "But House down there seems to be having fun with the Patil twins. The Order is out battling it out," he continued, and checked his nails for dirt, as If bored. "If they give him those PlayWitch Pygmy Puffs, tell House not to bring it out on public. If you've ever read the Golden Compass, they're sorta like your daemons. Except they only translate whenever you get all horny."

Cuddy waved her hand dismissively and laughed. "Please, he's horny 24/7."  
"Agreed," Foreman said.

They were all silent for a minute, watching them all fight. No one was dying, by the least.  
"George, why are you here?" Cuddy asked. "Do you ship anyone?"  
"No," George said. "I'm neutral. I watch the show because of the hot chicks." And with that, he clicked his tongue together and winked at Cuddy.  
Cuddy stared at him in mock ambivalence. "Right. But.. do you know why House is teaching a room full of wizards, when he's supposed to be lecturing med students?"

George stopped. "…. No. All that I know is, we were invited. A week ago. Everyone in Hogsmeade were talking about it; the kids though have to stay in Hogwarts. But I don't know why Dumbledore is here, I wonder who is watching the school.."

Cameron and Thirteen looked at each other, both being comforted by their boyfriends.

"So we all left, some apparated, some used the Floo network, and the crippled came here by broomstick. Meaning.. Hogwarts isn't being watched, I guess, the professors are all here - everyone knows that Filch is a huge Cane/House fan.. and he's down there battling his own cat.."

George froze.  
"No," Cameron whispered, untangling her legs up on the chair and sitting up slowly.

Cuddy looked at George then at Cameron, trying to look for an answer.  
"Is.. is it Vold-"  
"DON'T SAY HIS NAME!" George said to Cuddy.

Foreman let go of Thirteen. "We have to do something! Now!"  
"Right," George said, with a fast pace. "We have to tell everyone – the kids, my nieces, nephews, what will they – mums right there.."

And he took off the shield, and ran to Mrs. Weasley, who was battling Ginny.  
"Mum – Mum! Stop! That's Ginny right there! – "

Chase, Kutner, Foreman, and Taub ran to House, ducking whenever a spell would approach their way.  
"House – House!" Foreman yelled.

House looked at them and frowned.  
"Whatttt," he said, putting on a pout similar to a 4 year old. "You're disrupting my conversation. They're giving me three wishes."

"Okay," Padma said, giggling. "What's your first wish?"  
House tried to think hard.  
"I want Lisa Cuddy's rainbow panties."

Chase and Foreman hung their heads up to the ceiling to show their disapprovement.  
Parvati started to cry. "Why? Why, House? Why her? Why Stacey, Why Cameron? I'm here.." Parvati said, and waved her wand in a ¾ motion. "They're nothing to you. Here.." a purple colored underwear appeared in her hand. "Have mine."

House looked at it. "No way. You're 16, honey. Tritter will find another way to put me in jail. But if I can get my wishes now, please, I want that underwear; I want my leg to be fixed, and I wish that Cameron didn't look like a hooker anymore."

A scream erupted from the room. They all turned around and saw the three women regulars on the show, who were huddled around each other. A _Crucio _spell almost hit them. Amber was standing up, not caring, stroking Crookshanks.

Foreman and Chase were baffled, desperately trying to think of a solution. George took the shield off? What an -

"ASSHOLE!" Foreman yelled over at George, who was now battling Umbridge, who had a toad in her shoulder.  
"That's it, we have to settle this," Kutner said.  
"I'm telling you," Taub insisted. "Chase, just – flip your hair!"

Chase looked at him. "What? I can't –"  
"Chase!" Cameron yelled at him as another spell almost hit Cuddy beside her. "Flip your damn hair. Now!"

Chase sighed, defeated. Cameron had her pissed off voice. "O kay."

He stood in front of everyone's view.

Chase muffled his hair first, and Taub sprayed on an Aussie Shampoo Inc. hair shiner while he muffled.  
Chase looked at him.

"What?" Taub said defensively. "It's from Australia," he argued, holding up the purple bottle.  
"You. Are. So. Gay." House commented, grabbing the bottle from Taub's hands and sprayed it on his own hair.

Chase looked down, and flipped his hair, his blonde hair gleaming from the sunshine's reflection through the windows.

All the witches and wizards stopped. They all stared, and just by then, Chase's head was back up.

"Can we get a replay of that?" a british accent called out from somewhere.  
"Holy SHIT. I don't think I know a spell that can record something to transfer back to my muggle TiVO."  
"Dumbledore! You better remember that moment and save it in your pensieve!"  
"CHASE I LOVE YOU MARRY ME!"

"You guys!" Foreman yelled over the crowds comments of Chase's act, which they made it seem like some sort of strip-tease. "YOU-KNOW-WHO has deliberately set you up to come here, so that he can overtake the entire muggle world!

Everyone started muttering.  
"He's out there! I don't know what he's doing, but it all makes sense, right? You're all called down here, for this, and yet your kids are at stake at Hogwarts! He might be – "

Just then, a woosh sound came.  
"No, young Foreman," a spooky voice came from behind him.

Chase and Foreman turned around. It was Voldermort.  
Foreman stuttered. "I-I- I didn't know –"  
Voldermort put his anorexic finger into Foreman's lips. "Hush. You were always my least favorite duckling," he told Foreman.

"Foreman," an old, gnawly voice came, no doubt Dumbledore's. "You're my favorite, don't listen to him."

"Oh shush old man. But back to matters.." he announced. "Your kids are fine. I set this up so that we can all have peace, but it seems that I have failed. I have only done this for the sole purpose letting everyone know that everyone ships all kinds of different ships from the show, and, we have to respect that."

"It is not Grey's Anatomy, do not expect the cast to sleep with everyone. Do you not understand that they are smarter? Have you noticed that this season's Grey's Anatomy sucks?" Everyone nodded. "Yes, the ratings have gone lower, and I don't blame them. What's up with Izzie? Now that Meredith is with McDreamy, we really don't expect anything anymore."

Murmurs of agreement filled the room once again.

"I hope that I have taught you a lesson. Because from now on, my Death Eaters will know any information if you try to attack another ship for no valid reason. Of course it is okay if you don't like it, but don't involve into any physical and abusive, verbal attack with each other."

"It is known that all of our shippings aren't secrets in the Wizarding World; be proud of that. In this world, they even hide their porn stashes. It is inexcusable. Be proud, muggles, that you can buy porn that doesn't explode in a day."

"Amen," House said, who was leaning against the desk with his cane in front of him, listening intently.

"I will leave now, I'm missing the episode premiere. All of you should go back too," Voldemort added scarily yet again, and checked his watch. "It's 7:57. The show starts in three minutes. Don't bother using the floo network; apparate, everyone!"

And just like that, everyone started running around in circles.

And they all disappeared in a flash.


End file.
